To some, Valentines Day is an occasional landmark; a prime opportunity to show love for another via the medium of tacky cards, blow up hearts and some kind of overpriced confectionary. For others, Valentines Day is a bit like having a Brazilian wax: painful, awkward and questionable as to whether it’s actually necessary.
This Valentines Day, women everywhere will be getting ready to dust off the lacy red or black lingerie, whilst their dates fight to book a table at a bizarre choice of restaurant, serving ten of the smallest courses you’ve ever seen.
If I haven’t lost you already, here are 10 reasons why I find Valentines Day to be the absolute worst…
1) It’s a meat market for all the single ladies
If you’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man, do not go out on Valentines Day. Females enjoying themselves without male accompaniment seem to attract attention from those with the highest of ‘skin-wearing’ capabilities. I was once asked if I wanted the key to a man’s hotel room whilst he sat there sweating profusely; he insisted he no longer needed it, and there is absolutely nothing dodgy about that at all. AT ALL.
2) It puts unnecessary pressure on couples
The pressure of having a good night means you’re probably going to get shitfaced, spill your drink all over yourself, pick a fight with your boyfriend over the state of the economy, fall out of the cab home and break your face on the pavement. #wyfforlife
3) It puts unnecessary pressure on single people
When you’re single, there’s either the expectation that you’re in some way bothered by this, or the assumption that you need to celebrate your singleness. Neither are particularly true, and both will probably result in poor wine-based decisions and regret.
4) Red and Pink is a terrible colour combination
Pink and red should never be said, unless it’s wine. Or skittles. Or wine.
5) The plethora of incoming social media dedications
Be prepared for a smattering of Michael Kors, intermittent spells of Pandora, a westerly gale of ‘alcohol in hand’ pictures and an influx of ‘lucky girl’ hashtags.
6) Working in retail
If you work in retail, you get to witness infidelity in all its glory. After all, there’s nothing more romantic than “I’ll have two of those please.”
7) Seeing someone new around Valentines Day
If you’ve only been seeing someone for a short while, Valentines Day can be horrifically inconvenient; like that one time you drunkenly hooked up with the office fuckboy after your work’s Christmas party. Cue: dancing around the subject, in the hope that nobody will acknowledge it.
8) The present buying
If it’s a new relationship, there’s the question of whether it’s too soon to present one of the five approved Valentines Day gifts (chocolate, lingerie, jewellery, flowers, a teddybear holding a heart), you also have to gage each other’s expenditure. For example, if he buys you expensive jewellery and you resort to novelty underwear, the relationship could be destined for failure.
9) PDA, PDA everywhere…
There is no need for elaborate PDA. Slurping noises and aggressive arse grabbing aside, you’re adults. You can go home and rip each other’s clothes off if you want to.
10) Secret admirers are actually pretty creepy
And gaging by the types I attract on Tinder, the outcome doesn’t look great. But then, what can one expect from a holiday which has a naked baby with a weapon as it’s mascot?
Follow me on Twitter: @Tristen_Lee